During the Halloween season we are presented with all sorts of ghouls and ghosts. Some of these can even be cute and fun for children. Others, such as vampires, are horrifying even to adults. These images led me to think about the vampires in our life. I am not speaking of the Count from Sesame Street, a beloved and adorable character in my opinion. Sometimes these vampires are friends and even family. At times they are the vampires sucking the life out of us, but eventually they return to their normal state. They are friends and family, and without enabling them, we can love them through that time in their life. No, I am speaking of those people in our lives who continually suck the life out of us. Those vampires!

These vampires could be acquaintances or co-workers, and quite often our supervisors at work. We can limit our exposure to acquaintances and we should remember that they are merely acquaintances and grant them no power over us. However, we cannot completely choose our co-workers or our managers. Organizations often make those choices for us, and unless you do not need your job or paycheck, we often have to endure them 'wanting to suck our blood!'

In the Dracula movies, Bela Lugosi played Count Dracula who exercised his evil powers over helpless victims. Fortunately, that is just a movie and Count Dracula fails in the end. However, this is real life, our life, and these vampires exercise their substantial powers over our work life. Fortunately for us, we are not helpless victims. Consider our co-workers who act as vampires. Sometimes they are so negative that it allows us to focus on the bad in our situation and not the good. Worse still, getting so close to the negative, viewing anything from up close, exaggerates its perspective. The closeness to any object fills our frame of vision so that it crowds out everything else. All we see is the negative. There is no visual space for the positive. There is no room for the positive.

When confronted with these types of vampires, it is good for us to take a step back, figuratively if not literally. Distancing ourselves from the negativity allows us a more balanced frame of reference and allows space for the good to reveal itself. These negative individuals are struggling with a work life that is unsatisfying to them. They often express their frustrations negatively. However, if we choose to react by accepting them for their talents and contributions, their negativity is put into perspective. They may at least care about the situation. Much like Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street, they can become likable characters and actors in our lives.

We need to do the same with our supervisors. Sometimes they do not realize that their behaviors, often ranging from bad decision making to abhorrent behaviors like those demonstrated by Roger Ailes and Harvey Weinstein and others, run counter to the organization's espoused values as well as our own values. We need to step back, and without acquiescing or enabling such behaviors and decisions, put the situation into perspective. There are options. In the case of egregious behavior, we can discuss it with others in the organization to the extent that they can be trusted. We may even be able to mention it to the supervisor directly by discretely saying that the behavior makes a number of us uncomfortable. In the most extreme cases, there may be little that can be done except leaving the group or organization or letting HR handle it with unknown consequences and repercussions.

For those supervisors who are just bad at their job, suffer from lack of personal, social or leadership skills, a never ending stream of these behaviors can wear on us. Motivation is diminished and our commitment to the organization can waiver. While we cannot control their behaviors, we can control how we react to them. Remember first of all, their failings are not yours. Unless they attempt to force you to do something illegal, immoral or unethical, you can simply do your job. The relationship with the supervisor and the organization is merely a transaction, the supervisor or company buys your services and you deliver that service to finance your life. It is your job, not who you are! Your values can still remain intact.

The benefit to that approach is simple. You do your job to the highest degree of professionalism and competence and your supervisor does their job in the same way. One consideration, and this is an important one, is that your supervisor may be getting direction from their supervisors (note that I did not use the term, their superiors). As one moves up the managerial ranks, you can often be presented with orders that you simply do not agree with. That situation requires you to in essence, pick the hill you choose to die on, and you simply cannot die on every hill, only the illegal, unethical, and immoral ones. As your supervisor, they may simply be acting as a good soldier, carrying out orders from above. We often have to do the same.

As we deal with these situations, it helps to remember that this too shall pass and other situations, opportunities, and supervisors will present themselves. As long as our value set remains intact, and we recognize that our work does not define who we are, it is in the worst case, a transaction. These transactions finance our life, nothing more, nothing less. How we react to these situations certainly impact our attitude and motivation, but it should never impact our commitment to our professionalism or our desire to represent ourselves and the job we do in the best possible ways. Those are the things that help define us and reveal our beliefs and values. Ultimately, it is those beliefs and values that will prevail over poor leadership. As Frank Sinatra says, 'for what is a man, what has he got if not himself, then he has naught.' You can do it your way!

There are things we know that we are really good at and other things we realize we may not be so good at doing. Each of us has our own gifts, strengths and weaknesses. We learn about these gifts through trial and error, repeated attempts and failures. Some things we learn and improve ourselves upon, others, perhaps not quite so much. This process is quite natural and is all a part of learning and growing. In fact, these failures and learning these limitations often provide the foundations for future growth and success as we begin to build on strengths and focus our efforts in other areas.

While these attempts and failures are healthy and normal, they do establish limits and open horizons for us. This process helps us form our core beliefs about ourselves and who and what we are. In addition, we learn our skill sets and build upon them.

However, there are other beliefs, limiting beliefs that are learned or self-imposed. Consider the simple act of dancing. As children, especially infants when they learn to stand, dance as soon as they hear a beat. As they get older, they continue to dance, and as the saying goes, 'they dance as if no one is looking.' They dance for the sheer joy of dancing. Then something happens. They get older, they get more self-conscious, and even worse, someone tells them they look silly dancing or that they can't dance. At that point, all dancing stops. The child believes they can't dance, they believe they look silly trying, and they stop. The sheer joy of dancing often may never be experienced again as they fully subscribe to the limiting belief that they cannot dance.

A similar thing happens with singing. People sing in their cars, in the shower, and anywhere when they are alone and can't be heard. They may like singing, but won't often risk the ridicule of not singing well. Yet, all children sing. They sing loud, they sing with joy in their hearts, and while there may not be many Andrea Bocelli's or Ella Fitzgerald's out there, they still sing with great joy. Then something happens. Someone, sometimes even a parent, tells them they can't sing. At that point, the singing stops too. The sheer joy of singing, without reservation, as they did as children may never be part of their experience again. As adults, we are limited by a belief. What is tragic is that belief may be a false belief. Maybe we can dance, we may even be good at it and we could learn to be better. Maybe we can sing, we may even be good at that too and could learn to be better. Instead, our limiting beliefs have gotten in the way.

So what can we do about it? To begin with, we need to think about not what we do, but what we don't do. As we are big fans of making lists and checking things off, this is one instance where making a list is extremely helpful. There are three things we can do.

1. Make a list of those things you do not do but think you might enjoy doing if you were better at it.
2. For each of those items on the list, state why you don't do it or haven't tried it. These items reveal your beliefs as to why you can't or haven't done something you might want to do or try.
3. For each of those items, state where that belief came from. Was it self-imposed, or just a belief that others imposed on us and we, for what ever reason, failed to challenge?

It is easy to see how an item like singing could easily make the list. We like to sing, but don't. We haven't tried it because we believe we are not good at it. Why? Because someone told me I wasn't good at it. Now in order to regain the joy of singing, I may just need to try and ignore the comments of others. Perhaps I need to take a lesson or join a church choir and others will help me learn to sing better. In any case, I regain the joy of singing!

If these limiting beliefs are so harmful and restricting for somethings as simple as singing or dancing, how damaging are they in other aspects of life? Think of the following statements. You aren't good at math, science, art, writing, (fill in the blank). It's a good thing you're smart, implying that you're not very pretty. It's a good thing you're pretty, implying you're not smart. You can't wear that outfit, it's for thin people. You can't play that game, you're not big enough. You get the idea.

Ages ago, when the European men dominated men's gymnastics, it was often stated that the Asians, Japanese and Chinese in particular couldn't do gymnastics well. They couldn't ever be good at pommel horse because their hands were too small. Fortunately for the Japanese and Chinese gymnasts, they didn't subscribe to that limiting belief and went on to dominate men's gymnastics.

These limiting beliefs can be crippling to our body image, career choices, self-efficacy, happiness and ultimately our enjoyment of life. With these three simple steps, we can move beyond these limiting beliefs and achieve more of what we want in life.

“If a man has frequent intercourse with others, either in the way of conversation, entertainment, or simple familiarity, he must either become like them, or change them to his own fashion.”
- The Golden Sayings of Epictetus

Epictetus speaks to us of friendship and is alerting us that we do not exist in a vacuum, that our associations affect us and we affect those associations. The deeper the association from casual acquaintance, personal knowledge or familiarity, to a close friend, one attached by affection or esteem, the more one is influenced and the more influence one has on the relationship.

Based on the above definitions from Webster's dictionary, it is clear that friends are much more than casual acquaintances, but still the influences are there. Those influences are bi-directional as well, influenced and influencing. That friendship is an attachment to another by affection or esteem. Even more so, the word friend includes to act as a friend, to befriend someone.

When we decide to make a change in our lives such as a commitment to a healthier lifestyle, our friends may be impacted as well. First of all, we may have less time to spend with them since we will devote some of our free time to exercise. We maybe making significant adjustments to our diet as we embark on the journey to a healthier lifestyle, and that means that we may not be able to fully participate with our friends in certain activities. Sometimes we may find that we are expanding our circle of friends and may find ourselves spending time with them.

As friends, how are we attached to the other? We might want to consider to whom we became attached and how we became attached, why, what affections or esteem do we have for each other, and even where we met and how that allowed that attachment to grow.

Let us examine the how of a friendly relationship. Perhaps, we were childhood friends, or worked together, or any other of a great deal of possibilities, but there is something common I think in any of these instances. The commonality is a shared experience. The shared experience could be work related, growing up together, raising children, or anything else, but it is based on an experience shared with another person. That shared experience is something that helps create and nurture friendships.

Who do we hold in esteem and why? For whom do we have affection and why? To whom we become attached as friends is based on a number of factors, but to be a friend, we must be attached by affection or esteem. The traits that cause us to be attached to another by affection or esteem are many but certainly we cannot doubt that we are influenced by the other. How we interact with them and they with us are changed by the friendship. If we hold them in esteem for any number of reasons, we can be influenced by them and they of course influenced by the esteem we hold for them.

Even the where and when of a budding friendship can be helpful in understanding the context of the friendship and even if it would have any longevity. Sometimes we meet people on a vacation, enjoy their company and part ways. The 'friendship' goes no further, it was only the vacation atmosphere that brought us together for a short time. Since there is no reason to continue the friendship, it fails. However, if we are brought together by a work experience, that 'where and when' would influence the nature of the relationship.

Why one becomes a friend with someone and not with another, even in the situation of a shared experience, is something to be examined. Although an experience may be shared, the friendship may not develop. Personalities may clash or more likely, values are not aligned. The values do not have to be perfectly aligned and certainly not all values need to be aligned, but the core values must be aligned enough for a friendship to take root and to grow. It is these core values that are shared and held in enough esteem that the friendship can provide the basis for the friendship.

The why of a friendship is an important question. Why do you care? Why is this person your friend? How is your life improved by the friendship and how do you improve their life? Who brings what to the friendship? Kahil Gibran speaks to this issue in The Prophet.

“And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field in which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the 'nay' in your own mind, nor do you withhold the 'ay.'
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart:
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you depart from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”

Italics have been added to two lines, “And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.” and “Seek him always with hours to live.” Gibran advises us to understand friendship from the spiritual aspect, the aspect of giving and living life. A friendship should deepen the spirit and enrich the lives of the friends. It cannot be a uni-directional relationship with one giving and the other receiving. The friendship must be bi-directional. In addition, there must be something about the friendship that deepens the spirit, that enhances life. Sometimes our 'friendships' require a great deal of effort, are one sided, are one directional, and do little if anything to deepen our spirit. These 'friendships' are merely between acquaintances and profit us little since they take time and effort from our real friendships. So as Gibran states, “Seek him always with hours to live.” Celebrate life with your friends. As Epictetus advised, “Try to enjoy the great festival of life with other men.'

We have seen the importance of valid friendships, that friends influence our lives and we influence theirs. If we are true friends, and they are true friends, our friendship deepens our spirits as we grow together. The friendship is full of life and meaning. Friends sustain each other, even when feeling empty. As friends we seek not to fill the emptiness but to provide for the others needs.

As we know ourselves, we know our values. If we have people in our lives that do not share our values, we can certainly become influenced by their values and actions. To paraphrase Epictetus again, as a burning twig can either light another twig or be extinguished, our associations and friendships can be affected in the same way. One cannot rub against soot without having some soot attach itself to us. That much is proven by anyone who has a dog who sheds and wears clothes brought back from the dry cleaners.

Our friendships define us and we help define our friendships. We must examine these friendships and ask why we are friends. Are we really friends, attached by esteem or affection, or are we merely acquaintances? If friends, devote our energies to the friendship. If we are acquaintances, then assign the relationship to its proper place and devote minimal effort to it. If our friends help bring out the best in us or influence us in positive ways, then by all means keep the friendship alive. If our friends are influencing us in ways that are not positive and do not support our positive goals, then they are not friends at all, but witnesses to our own destruction. That does not mean that friends sit by idly and support us blindly, but rather that our friends help supply our needs and not our emptiness. If we are in need, and pursue something to fill our emptiness, they will act as a friend and try to shield us from things that provide no benefit to us.

In this examination of our friendships, that we choose to exercise our free will in pursuing friendships that are mutually beneficial, we learn and grow. We are there to help our friends and they are there to help us. The friendship is mutually beneficial and productive for all.

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more,so that we may fear less. - Marie Curie

In the movie Scent of a Woman, the character played by Al Pacino forcefully states that “There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that.” Those words are quite powerful and had great impact in the movie, but they also have great impact on ourselves when we reflect on our difficulties in life. Duquesne University has a motto in Latin “spiritus est qui vivificat.' The spirit gives life. An amputated spirit then must indeed be a horrific, fearful sight because the spirit is cut off from life when the spirit itself gives life.

What can cause such a thing as an amputated spirit? We would suggest that fear would be something that amputates the spirit. Fear can be paralyzing, and in some cases, as stated earlier, amputates the spirit from life. Without the spirit, there is no life and the absence of life is death or worse, indifference to life.

Courage per Webster's dictionary is defined as mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. As fear then acts to amputate the spirit and remove it from life, it takes courage to act against fear and preserve life. Mary Anne Rademacher wrote “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.” What courage that takes! If we keep trying again for tomorrows after tomorrow, we must ask why? What is the reason for trying? The reasons are often simple.

The courage we speak of and even celebrate is the courage to try. Life does not promise us success, it does not promise us really much of anything except life. So let us engage life head on, embrace it, embrace that notion that we have power within ourselves to craft that life if we but participate in it. That active participation and engagement in life can begin to create meaning in line with our values.

Yet what about fear? What might we fear and more importantly, why? We are not talking about fear of spiders or snakes or bugs necessarily, because they don't often paralyze us to the point where we cannot move forward in our lives. We are talking about the fear that make progress in achieving our goals more difficult or impossible.

What do we fear? A crisis in our lives can cause us to fear a result, an outcome, or to fear the possibility of change itself. A crisis can be a danger or an opportunity, a turning point, a fork in the road. When we face a crisis, something that we might fear, we can remember that this crisis, this fear could have meaning for us. How can we find meaning when confronted with these crises, these difficulties, these dangers? Where is there danger? Where is there opportunity? In order to react properly in a reasoned, deliberate manner, we must first of all understand our life purpose and our authentic values. These values are the traits and beliefs that underlie our behaviors, particularly our behaviors when reacting to a crisis.

As Marie Curie informs us, if we understand our fears, we can fear less. We can understand our fears if we understand our values, and our beliefs. Armed with that understanding we can construct behaviors that react to a crisis and fears more in keeping with our goals in life. Understanding our values and those things that have meaning in life, we can begin to face our fear. Perhaps the fear is less fearful than addressing the fear.

Understanding our fear brings us to know why we fear. Perhaps, we fear the unknown. Let us consider a common fear, the fear of change. What can happen? What is the worst that can happen? Well, the upside of course would be success. The downside if failure. What if we try and succeed? If we don't try, failure is assured, because then we can never succeed unless we try. At times, we fear change so much that we choose death over change, because the situation, in business or in life, is that if we don't change, we can go out of business or in life, fail to live, a fate worse than death.

Why do we fear? We fear because we do not understand the fear. If we are afraid of the water, we need to think about why we fear. Perhaps we never learned to swim. Well, we can address that fear by taking swimming lessons. If we are afraid to speak in front of a group, we should ask why we are afraid. Perhaps we lack confidence in ourselves and in what we have to say. Yet we can speak to close friends and practice speaking in front of friendly audiences to face and overcome that fear. Understanding is the basis of facing our fears.

Fear is normal and is even healthy in animals, especially humans. Fortunately, we do not face the dangers of facing wild animals who can devour us very often. Yet, we still have a healthy flight or fight response. The flight response is simple and to run away from danger. The flight response is often the safest way to avoid confrontation or real, life threatening danger. When faced with everyday fears, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change, there is only one correct response, the fight response. If we are afraid of failing, then we must fight that fear by taking action, by trying. If we are afraid of success,and that sometimes is a real fear, we must recognize and honor ourselves with the recognition that we are worthy of success. If we fear change, then there is no benefit from running away, taking flight. If we fear change, there is but one recourse to that fear, to face it, to fight the fear. We can fight that fear by facing the fear. Facing the fear means that we should recognize the upside, that we can benefit from the change, that we can exercise our free will to manage and control the effects of the change and how we will react to the change.

To gain such understanding of our fears and to address them, we need to examine our values because our values verify who and what we are. If we are grounded in our authentic values, then we can confidently rely on those values and trust in them to help us face our fears. We are given free will and with that free will we can choose to face our fears. There are several things we can and must do to face our fears:

• remember who and what we are as defined in our values,
• trust in our preparation to face these fears,
• utilize your free will to take action and address these fears.

If we fear and even if we are fearful of succeeding, then we can return to our values, trust in ourselves that we are prepared to face our fears, and then choose to act accordingly. Often after we have addressed our fear and emerged from the experience, we have learned that we are no worse for wear.The fear was not as formidable as we may have thought, and even if it was, we faced it and grew. We are stronger and more capable because of the act of facing that fear.​

Much has been written about gardens in the metaphorical sense of how they embody hope and nurturing of those around us. Gardens also are symbolic of our choice to impart order in our lives, to create our lives, or at least this part of it, as we see fit. We decide what to plant, where to plant it, and how to plant it. As I began to put in my garden this year, I had the opportunity to view it from a different perspective. My grandsons wanted to help, so they decided what we would plant. It started off with flowers for their mother and grandmother and I was lucky enough to persuade them to plant them in flower boxes. Then they discovered the vegetable seed rack at the hardware store. Now we are growing beans, corn, cantaloupes, watermelons, rosemary, tomatoes, and pumpkins. Basil, thyme, and sage are in planters. I planted blueberry and blackberry bushes and some grapes for them as well. Cucumbers, carrots, peas, aren't yet planted and I still have to plant hot peppers.

That is a lot to plant in a very small space on a very steep hillside. I thought it would be easiest to start at the top and plant beans and corn. I have never planted either and I remain hopeful that they will take root. My grandsons played in the yard while I terraced the hillside. As I worked I uncovered an exceptional amount of stone and naturally was frustrated. As I moved the stones to the side and had my one grandson help me, I thought about how lucky I was at that moment. I had some of my grandsons with me, they were helping and cheerful about helping to move stones; I realized that the stones were just another gift! The stones gave me an experience to share with my boys and also gave me support for the terracing of the hill. We moved down the hillside and prepared the least steep spot of ground for the watermelon, cantaloupes, and the pumpkins. As we planted the seeds together, I thought about how excited they would be when they see the seeds sprout, when they bloom and finally produce vegetables and fruits. I was excited that this was something we had done together.

However, there is something more about the garden that I found important. The garden with all its wonder, is about giving and receiving. We certainly gave some effort and some sweat as we prepared the garden. The earth gave us soil and stones to use and experiences to share with my grandsons. They received that experience and the earth received the seeds and the continuation of new life. It is certainly an example of the more we give, the more we receive. The change taking place on the hillside, while not yet complete, is exceptional already. It is coming to life with new growth on the plants!

We plant seeds knowing that they won't grow and produce unless they are tended to, cared for, and nurtured. And that of course takes effort and not the least important, takes time. In some cases, I see that the time to harvest is months. Yet, I find myself already, going to the garden every morning, talking to the plants, checking them to see how they are doing and looking for the first sprouts of life.

The garden begins with preparing the ground and planting the seeds. We prepare the ground to ensure that the seeds have the best environment to take root, grow and prosper. The garden grows all day and night, every day and night. Much of this growth takes place unseen, underground where the roots are growing and becoming stronger. As these roots grow stronger, so does the plant grow stronger and more fruitful.

It is the same for us when we decide to change ourselves. We need to prepare ourselves, tend to ourselves, nurture ourselves, and care for ourselves. Like the garden, these things take time and most of the growth takes place unseen. We choose the direction in which we want to grow. Plants turn their leaves toward the sun and the things that we decide to do that are good for us are like plants turning themselves toward the sun. Each day, each moment, we can do something that benefits ourselves, our growth, and achieving our goals. Sometimes we aren't entirely successful, but perfection is not the goal and never should be the goal. The goal should be to continue on the path, to continue to improve, to have faith and trust in the process. Like the plants in my garden, I can't expect my tomatoes to produce zucchini, neither should we expect to become someone else. Let's just grow to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Much of the growth, our own growth, is taking place where we can't see it, then, at the right time, we will bloom and produce fruit like the plants in our garden.

One cannot lead people without a fundamental belief in their potential to achieve more than they themselves realize. – Me (unless I forgot where I heard it)

In the Gospel of Luke, a leader is described as one who serves. Jesus reminds us that who would be  first, must be last. On Holy Thursday 2016, Pope Francis washed the feet of refugees; this year he washed the feet of prisoners. Robert Greenleaf wrote about Servant Leadership in his book of the same name. This type of leadership conflicts with our mythological idea of a leader who comes in with a fury and turns the world upside down. Yet the aspects of servant leadership have proven quite effective because to lead, someone must follow and any follower must ask, 'what's in it for me?'

This question is certainly a legitimate one because without knowing what is in it for ourselves, how we will benefit, there is no reason to follow. We need a reason to follow a leader, even our own leadership when we choose to change our lives. Without that reason, we won't commit to following, especially when that leader asks us to change. So for that leader to effectively lead, they must serve the follower and give them reasons to follow.

If we are going to lead ourselves through a change process, we need to believe in our potential to achieve more than we ourselves realize. As leaders, what should we do? As followers, what should we do to assess our leaders?

In all cases, leaders must demonstrate positive behaviors such as respect for people. Leaders must in all cases respect their followers and act as shields, absorbing the heat and letting their followers continue to do their jobs. Too often, leaders act as revolving doors, when there is heat, they often turn away and allow it to flow down to their people, insulating themselves from the pain and trouble. That is not leadership and when leaders demonstrate that behavior, they lack authenticity. As followers, we can only endure that type of leadership. That type of leader serves no one but themselves. As followers, we know they do not have our backs, so we won't have theirs.

When leaders demonstrate this type of behavior, they demonstrate that they cannot be trusted to take the heat or support their followers. Lacking trust of the followers, no leader can lead effectively. Leadership style degrades to a transactional style, the relationship between leader and follower simply becomes a transaction, an exchange between leader and follower.

However, when the leader's behavior and the values of the follower align, then leadership becomes more effective. Followers are held accountable as part of a shared value set. Both follower and leader are committed to a shared value and a larger objective. Actions on the part of the leader demonstrate their values, they are authentic as leaders and as followers, our values are aligned with their behaviors.

Some leaders adopt a different style, they serve their followers. In the most simple example, they simply make sure that their followers have what they need to do their job and take away any distractions that would prevent them doing their jobs successfully. These leaders demonstrate integrity, honesty, earn trust and respect. Since these leaders have earned the trust, respect and loyalty of the followers, followers should be earnest in providing that trust, respect and loyalty.

Another leadership style that in turn serves the followers is the transformational style of leadership. In this style, the leader works with the follower to develop them and to help transform them by growth and development. Ultimately, the follower's skill set, their value to the organization, the value that the leader places on the follower all are increased. As followers, it is easy to follow and support this type of leader. While they might challenge us, even frustrate us, and force us to find skills and abilities in ourselves, perhaps those that we don't even know we have, they are leaders that earn our respect, loyalty, and trust because of their trust in us to grow and add value to the organization.

Leadership in line with our values is easy to support and enthusiastically follow. When the behavior of leaders is in conflict with our values as followers our situation is extremely difficult. Followers generally need their jobs and need their careers so usually you cannot simply pick up and leave. Options are limited due to the economy, geographic location, education and family status, so it is imperative that we continually learn, manage our own careers, look for opportunities to provide career growth and sometimes remain stoic and let the storm pass until a new leader is appointed. In any case, as followers we have to support the leader and make the best of the situation by putting our followership into perspective. If our relationship with the leader simply finances our life, then so be it. We need to make a choice to either accept it, or manage our career to make a change that is more inline with our values when we can. We can do that by transferring to another part of the organization, changing jobs if we must, or even reinventing ourselves.

The obligation to ourselves to manage our own career, our own lives, to demonstrate free will and freedom of choice, to create meaning for ourselves, is our responsibility and ours alone. We cannot control the actions of those placed in leadership positions, but we certainly can make choices in line with our values where ever and when ever we can.

"To fall asleep like a bird. To have a wing you could stick your head under, a world of branches suspended above the earthly world, barely glimpsed down below, muffled and remote. Once you begin rejecting your present state, there is no knowing where you can arrive."– Italo Calvino, Marcovaldo

Poor Marcovaldo, all he wants is a good night's sleep on a park bench to escape his hot, crowded apartment. "He would dream of the park bench as a vagabond dreams of a palace"..."to compensate for the insults of the day." In this misadventure, as in all his misadventures, he is tormented by outside forces, in this case the blinking of a traffic light. A traffic light that continues "throbbing with a false vitality, but actually weary and enslaved." Eventually Marcovaldo falls asleep only to be awakened by something else when finally, inevitably, he has to get up and go to work.

In many ways Marcovaldo expresses the frustrations of some of our clients. Often our clients mention to us their frustrations at work, in their career, their relationships, and even in their day to day activities. Everything at times seems to be critical, pushed to extremes. It sometimes seems that their 'normal', uneventful days are becoming more and more rare. They go through life like Marcovaldo and the traffic light, "throbbing with a false vitality, but actually weary and enslaved."

Of course weary and enslaved is no way to go through life and it does not have to be. "Once you begin rejecting your present state, there is no knowing where you can arrive." We can be riled and upset by our present state, but to effectively reject that state calls for us to act. Action often precedes understanding, so we are called to become actors within our own lives, rejecting our present state.

These actions do not have to be grand at first, but they should be decisive. For example, we are reminded of someone who felt powerless in their life, in almost every aspect of their life. We encouraged them to begin asserting themselves in their life, to act and not be acted upon. Initially they started slowly, the first was to suggest a different time to meet with a friend for lunch, a time that didn't interfere with either person's schedule. When the new time was suggested, the lunch partner simply agreed. This simple action asserted the person as an actor into their own life, and incidentally gave an extra half hour to the morning where other tasks could be accomplished. From that point, they were able to make other decisions and take actions that rejected their present state for a somewhat better one.

In our own life, our career, relationships, even decisions about what to wear or what to eat, we can reject our current state and embrace the new attitudes, responses, even adventures that are ours to experience. We must continually reject our current state for continual improvement, for growth and learning. This continual rejection does not mean we are advocating for revolutionary change, although sometimes that may be valuable. We encourage introducing something new into our current state, some current improvement, some new experience or learning in order to avoid a 'false vitality' and a 'weary enslavement'. If we continue to accept our current state, we become the one who is enslaved as well as the one who enslaves. We have free will to choose to move forward beyond our current state, to reject things as they are and to create our own lives in our own fashion.

As we stated earlier, these improvements do not have to be monumental. We all want to be healthier but often we feel we do not know how to live a healthier lifestyle. We get where we are one day at a time, so let us get better one day, one improvement at a time. For example, if we know we need to exercise more, there is no need to attempt to run a marathon. However, we can take the stairs at work, take a walk during lunch, park further away in the parking lot to walk a bit more. None of these things are going to put us on the cover of a magazine, but that is not the point. The point is that we made a decision to reject our current state and make a change. Once that happens, "there is no knowing where you can arrive."

Having just returned from a long postponed vacation, we took particular interest in an article about Americans and vacation time. According to projectimeoff.com, American workers left 658 million vacation days unused in 2016, up 53% from 2015. Reasons stated for not taking vacation included 'a mountain of work', 'no one else can do the job', and 'can't afford to take vacation.'

We can empathize with this reasoning because we all feel a commitment to work, hate the idea of taking time off only to be faced with the dreaded backlog of work that we need to catch up on when we return. Similarly, we can convince ourselves that we are essential to the success of the organization and no one else can do our job. Finally, we simply can't afford a vacation, they can be expensive and the money may be better budgeted elsewhere, especially if we have children.

As much as we hate the idea of facing a backlog of work when we return, the work remains. We are not machines, and even machines break down or are taken out of service for preventive maintenance. We convince ourselves that we are indispensable, an essential part of the success of the organization.

Yet everyday, people leave organizations and the organizations continue functioning, sometimes better, sometimes worse for a while, yet they still continue to function. Microsoft and Apple function without Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. Chances are that our organizations can replace us as well. Finally, vacations can be expensive. However, we have even coined a word earlier in this century, staycation, a blend of stay and vacation. The Oxford dictionary defines staycation as “a holiday spent in one's home country rather than abroad, or one spent at home and involving day trips to local attractions.” We might broaden that definition to include down time away from work.

So rather than view vacations as some needless luxury, perhaps we need to recognize vacations as down time for personal maintenance. Why is personal maintenance so important? Consider the following:

• If we care for ourselves, we can give our best to those we care about.
• If we care for ourselves, we set a positive example for those we care about.
• Caring for ourselves does NOT mean that we take away from those we care about. It isn’t a zero sum game.
• Caring for ourselves includes a healthy lifestyle.
• Our physical health benefits from personal maintenance.
• Our emotional health benefits from personal maintenance.
• We facilitate a healthy relationship with ourselves.
• We facilitate a healthy relationships with others.​

Our clients often describe their ultimate goals in terms of knowing their authentic self, their passion and purpose in life, and to assume personal responsibility in their life choices. That is a lot to discover and probably won't be accomplished in a single vacation, but a vacation, down time from the stresses and demands of work can help. What helps this process is to not wait for a vacation. We can fill our lives with mini-vacations.

A mini-vacation is something we can do for ourselves. We can express gratitude, indulge ourselves in some small way, experience something that makes us happy, do something healthy and finally, congratulate ourselves for continuing our efforts and do it again! We want to make these mini-vacations a part of our life, a part of our daily routine. Fortunately, there are things we can do to help make mini-vacations a positive habit. We can:​

• Make a list and cross things off so we can organize our day and see that we are accomplishing the important things in our life.
• Set your alarm 10 minutes early and use that time to center yourself by meditating, do yoga, or having coffee or tea by yourself.
• Journal – writing a journal by hand allows us to express ourselves and center ourselves. Keeping a journal gives us time to reflect on the good things in our life and the good choices we make.
• Plan out your week. Schedule your week including workouts and anything else.​

The important thing to remember is that SOMETIMES ACTION PRECEDES UNDERSTANDNG. So let us act to create these mini-vacations and fill our life with these vacation times. We will be better for it because we have done some personal maintenance. The important people in our lives will be grateful for having done so.